This is my favourite classic slasher film. The pacing, off screen deaths, the way they’ve used sound, and, not least of all, Jamie-Lee Curtis are incredible aspects of this movie. I mean, the Hallowe’en theme is iconic. However, maybe the real reason this is my favourite of this list is not actually any of these things, but my completely unfounded confidence that I’d somehow be able to survive. My one and only basis for this assumption is that Michael Myers is slow as hell, so I’d probably be okay. That and my idea of a good time is also carving pumpkins and watching old horror films.
4. Friday the 13th
Maybe this one seems more likely to kill me, but hear me out. Camping is not for me. I’ve done my time as a girl scout and have no real desire to revisit that as an adult. So, me? A camp counsellor? Maybe not. I’d need to be a lot more into ice breakers and a lot less into actually getting to sleep at night (see number 1). I have that in my favour. If by some twist of fate I did end up at Camp Crystal Lake, the odds of me deciding to randomly run outside in a storm wearing nothing but a raincoat are slim to say the least. I enjoy layers too much. That would definitely save me from the whole shower room beheading scenario.
3.A Quiet Place
I’m not generally a very loud person. Initially I thought I’d absolutely smash it as a survivor in ‘A Quiet Place’. That was until 10 minutes ago when I dropped my pen, went to lift it, and upon straightening made the most enormous, “Ahhh Jayssusss” you’ve ever witnessed. I mean I went full Irish Da just getting out of a chair after his dinner. I wouldn’t have a hope. If not that, my snoring would definitely take me out, probably a relief for my fellow stragglers though.
2. 28 Days Later
As all good Zombieland fans know, Rule 1. is Cardio. This rule would also come in useful for the zombies in 28 Days Later. Those zombies are fast. No foot-dragging, slow shuffle of the undead here. If you’ve ever seen me after climbing a set of stairs, you’ll understand why this is an issue. Cardio is not my strong suit. I think a night of being chased down by a zombie with the zoomies would remind me far too much of the beep test and I’d just give up then and there. Fair play Cillian Murphy, you’re some man for one man.
1. Nightmare on Elm Street
Dead. Immediately dead. No questions asked. Who has two thumbs and no energy? This gal. Even the idea of a horrific blade-wielding, dream-haunting, vengeful Freddie Krueger couldn’t stop me from a wee post dinner sleep. I might get eaten by a bed, but it’s a risk I’m willing to take. I accept my fate. It’s how I’d want to go. You can pry my naps from my cold dead hands.